Game of Thrones – Quarantine Edition!

Starved Game of Thrones fans: I, too, have been suffering from EDOGOTN (Extreme Drought of Game of Thrones News). To cure this, I’d been hard at work these last few months wondering what our favorite characters have been up to all this time. However, it turned out the task was too mighty to undertake on my own, and so reinforcements needed to be called in. Enter fellow Watchers on the Wall writers Petra, Akash, and Samantha, who ably stepped in to help complete this vitally important work. So, what exactly has EVERY CHARACTER who has ever appeared on GOT think of quarantine? Dive in, and let’s find out.

Every character below appears in the show at some point. While 98% of the jokes pertain to the show, please note that if you don’t get the reference, it is possible that the joke derives from the ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ novels on which GOT is based, which means you have the envy-inducing prospect of reading the books for the first time still ahead of you. I’m sure I speak for many when I say, I am extremely jealous; what a wonderful activity you have to look forward to in all your quarantining ahead! With this disclaimer behind us, let’s get to the main event. What are our GOT characters up to in quarantine? Well…

House Stark:

Ned Stark: Has known for 16 years that a quarantine would one day be necessary, but for the protection of his family, has never told anyone. – David

Eventually has to leave Winterfell for emergency supplies, but tells the wrong person who he actually is, and dies. – Akash

Catelyn Stark: Has seen what paranoia has done to her sister, and will not succumb to such madness. – David

Urges Ned not to go to get emergency supplies and to send someone else instead. – Akash

Quietly stocked up on toilet paper while it was still available. – Samantha

Habitually argues with Ned over how many rolls Jon gets to use. – Petra

Benjen Stark: Left to get groceries; never came back. – David

Robb Stark: Organizes front yard ‘togetherness’ parties for the northern lords, while regulating 6 foot distance at all times. Unites the heads of neighborhood households to rise up and survive the quarantine together. – David

Talisa Maegyr: Poised to give birth to the world’s first quarantweenager. – David

Helps lead Winterfell’s medical response team. – Akash

Sansa Stark: Is using this as an opportunity to learn to bake lemon cakes, and practice her needlework. – David

Ignores Jeyne Poole’s hysterics and Facebook conspiracy posts, because if a lady must quarantine, she will do so with dignity. – Samantha

Keeps a keen eye on Winterfell’s emergency supplies. – Akash

Arya Stark: Prowls the grocery store aisle, using others’ faces as her masks, and ensures everyone is keeping their 6 feet distance. Practices her own needlework on those not adhering to the rules. – David

Makes masks from people who harass essential workers. – Akash

Bran Stark: Spends his time sitting inside muttering vague and blunt prognostications on how this all will end; nothing he says is positive or encouraging in any way, shape, or form. – David

Repeats everything Dr. Fauci says. Always muted by host of Zoom chats. – Akash

Rickon Stark: Zigs and zags his way around the backyard. He’s getting really good! – David

Runs wild through suspected infection areas with Summer and somehow avoids getting sick. – Samantha

Jon Snow: Uses this time to brood. He really needed it. – David

Took the virus seriously before anyone else did but refuses to feel smug about it. – Petra

Never turns the Zoom camera on. – Akash

House Lannister:

Tywin Lannister: “Look at the sheep, how they flock to the store for toilet paper. If any child of mine is found to be amongst them, they will return home naked as the day they were born.” – David

Kevan Lannister: “Um…what Tywin said.” – David

Cersei Lannister: Orders anyone quarantining nearby her to be hurled out of their windows; the safety of her children is paramount. – David

Stocks up on emergency wine supplies. – Akash

Jaime Lannister: Can’t decide whether to quarantine with Cersei or Brienne and keeps travelling between them. – Petra

…because he’s an ass who ignores social distancing guidelines. – Samantha

…eventually infects both himself and Cersei. – Akash

Tyrion Lannister: Drinks and reads. Plays drinking games with Bronn over Zoom. – David

Critiques the historical accuracy of the Assassin’s Creed games. – Akash

Joffrey Baratheon: Finally has an opportunity to force King’s Landing denizens to kill and cannibalize one another for his enjoyment. Organizes a “volunteer” tournament to “boost quarantine morale.” – David

Forces King’s Landing merchants to reopen against Varys’ recommendations. – Akash

Myrcella Baratheon: Upset that her semester in Dorne gets cut short. Refuses Ellaria’s kiss goodbye in favor of remaining six feet apart. – Petra

Moodily listens to Dua Lipa the entire trip back home to King’s Landing. – Akash

Tommen Baratheon: Ser Pounce has never been so lucky. – David

Pouts when Cersei tells him to wear his mask, but agrees when she allows him to use the wax seal to send out quarantine orders. – Samantha

Lancel Lannister: Joins a quarancult. – David

Drinks bleach to “avoid” getting infected. – Akash

House Baratheon:

Robert Baratheon: Drunkenly challenges anyone violating stay-at-home orders to publicly duel him. – David

…violates the order and gets infected while drunk. – Akash

Stannis Baratheon: Will not let social distancing come between him and his throne. Ventures outside to rally the people to his cause, although grudgingly encourages them to wear masks. Will charge on no matter what it takes. Thousands will die. Children will be sacrificed. It matters not. He presses on. – David

Renly Baratheon: “This is the best time to really take stock, and enjoy the good things in life.” With good intent, he organizes his retinue within the castle so that they can have a “Keep Quarantine Safe” party. Masks are requested but not required, and the merriment is contagious. Despite his intent, infection lingers and spreads like wildfire. Half the castle population gets sick and many die. No one meant for this to happen. – David

Issues a Notes app apology three days later. Goes to a party on Fire Island anyway. – Akash

Selyse Baratheon: More time spent in the lab to work on concocting shrunken head potion! – David

Convinced that the real medicine is being hidden. – Akash

Shireen Baratheon: The extended quarantine has given her ample time to train more guards to read, because a more literate castle means a better world for all. Great things are in her future! She’s all fired up and ready to go! – David

Gendry [Baratheon]: Less time to go out means more time to tinker inside with his shirt off. Few complain. – David

House Greyjoy:

Balon Greyjoy: Stays home. Broods. Gets up from chair. Walks to fireplace. Broods. – David

Euron Greyjoy: Angrily storms out of Pyke and on to his ship. Insists that his entire crew go with him, or they will face a fate worse than contagion. Sets sail for the open ocean, but one crew member gets sick; Euron presses on. Infection worsens; Euron presses on. No invisible enemy will take down Euron Greyjoy. Most of his crew gets sick, but not him, for he is the toughest amongst them. His crew around him worsens; Euron presses on. What is dead may never die, but rises again harder and stronger; Euron presses on. – David

Yara Greyjoy: With patronage at the brothel dropping, Yara takes it upon herself to visit each of its employees and pay for their services. She knows she might get infected, but her heart is in the right place and she does not want the brothel’s inhabitants to suffer. She is declared a hero of the downtrodden during these downtimes for her dedication to the most vulnerable. – David

Is still angry at Theon for initially quarantining with Ramsay instead of her. – Petra

Disobeys her father and goes on raids to garner emergency supplies. – Akash

Theon Greyjoy: Knits. Has the time of his life. Such a lack of misery has never been so present for so long. – David

Discovers Talkspace. – Petra

House Tyrell:

Olenna Tyrell: Grows increasingly tired of her (grown adult) son following her around, and assigns guards to him to ensure he can’t be in her presence 24/7; there’s work to be done, and Mace is not up to the challenge. – David

Organizes mass grain shipments to be sent throughout the Seven Kingdoms with the Tyrell rose on them. – Akash

Mace Tyrell: His bowling league is cancelled and he is left with little else to do but bother his mother. – David

Margaery Tyrell: Refuses to fade from the public consciousness during quarantine. She and her ladies sow face masks embroidered with the Tyrell rose and deliver them to hospitals, regularly visiting the Covid-19 section of the children’s ward (hospital protocol is no match against Tyrell guards). – Petra

Becomes the public messenger for the Westerosi Disease Center. – Akash

Loras Tyrell: Starts a fundraiser for “NHS Charities Together” in Renly’s name. – Petra

House Martell:

Doran Martell: Sits. Waits. – David

Stress eating has infinitely worsened his gout but he can’t justify a hospital trip. – Petra

Oberyn Tyrell: Life is free and a gift. A little virus like this could never stop him. Daringly and brazenly he wanders off into town. Makes sure to keep his 6 feet of difference, perfectly measuring each foot mentally, down to the nearest inch, as he dances around town. Somehow, he never gets sick nor infects anyone else. Inexplicably, though unsurprisingly, the people still love him. – David

Single-handedly keeps the entire Dornish herbal economy from collapsing. – Akash

Ellaria Sand: Organizes a militia with very little plan of action or clearheaded mission statement. Its motive might be to combat the pandemic, but no one is really sure. Several people die as a direct result of her recklessness. – David

Tyene Sand: Is her mother’s second in command and shuts down any insurrection. – David

Takes shuffle dancing lessons to fend off boredom. – Akash

Nymeria Sand: Quarantines in the Water Gardens with the Fowler twins, brooding as ever. – Petra

Obara Sand: So bored she’s started to wonder if she should have picked her mother’s tears over her father’s spear and stayed in Oldtown. – Petra

House Targaryen:

Daenerys Targaryen: She will take what is hers with vaccines and science, but right now that’s not possible, so she stays. Rules. Distributes free masks and sanitizers. And is a Queen. – David and Akash

Viserys Targaryen: Would trade the lives of every member of his household 10 times over to buy his freedom and escape quarantine. – David

Maester Aemon Targaryen: There was once a time he had the opportunity to be part of the CDC and become a world-renowned epidemiologist. Some might have called it a duty. He shirked that duty, and now lives out his days in safety, but considerable regret. – David

Khal Drogo: Refuses to wear a mask. Says it’s itchy. – Petra

House Mormont:

Jeor Mormont: Craster continues to supply the Night’s Watch with necessities, but this quarantine has really tested the Night’s Watch reliance on him, and Commander Mormont is finally having second thoughts. – David

Jorah Mormont: Keeping 6 feet apart from his Khaleesi at all times is killing him, but if it will keep her safe, he will do it until the end of time. – David

Lyanna Mormont: The virus tries to take her but she won’t let it. She talks it down, then stabs it. Defeats it. Becomes the Chuck Norris of her era. – David

Is managing Bear Island on her own while Maege is MIA due to travel restrictions. – Petra

House Tully:

Brynden ‘The Blackfish’ Tully: Really doubles down on holding Riverrun. Tells Jaime that Jeyne Westerling has been coughing a lot lately, so, really, the Lannisters and the Freys are just putting themselves at risk by laying siege. – Petra

Happy to sacrifice Edmure for not wearing a mask. – Akash

Edmure Tully: This time calls for a new kind of leader. Never fear, Edmure is here to be the fearless leader who will help everyone out. “Oh, I’ve been asked to sit down? Well I tried.” – David

Doesn’t wear a mask in order to prove himself “a real man.” – Akash

House Arryn:

Lysa Arryn: Executes three of her personal guards who she suspects were conspiring to manufacture and distribute the virus; they were not. – David

Robin Arryn: “Mom can’t go anywhere, which means more milk for me!” – David

House Tarly:

Randyll Tarly: Polishes Heartsbane alone, grumbling about gender roles under his breath. – Petra

Melessa Tarly: Glares at Randyll whenever he complains about not being on the battlefield. Occasionally locks her husband in the Horn Hill armory. – Akash

Dickon Tarly: Organizes a socially distanced hunting party. It’s moderately successful. – Petra

Samwell Tarly: “Finally! A time to catch up on all those books I never got to!” – David

…orders them from local indie bookstores. – Akash

Gilly [Tarly?]: Homeschools Little Sam; wishes his teachers would only use one online learning platforms. – Petra

Little Sam: Streams Little Maesters on Netflix Kids. – Petra

House Bolton:

Roose Bolton: Hangs flayed corpses six feet apart to demonstrate proper social distancing, insisting that he only wants “a peaceful land, a quarantined people.” – Petra

Ramsay Bolton: Designs a “game” to keep everyone quarantined in his castle “entertained.” – David

Watches a documentary on Ed Gein, which inspires him to make his own on-brand PPE masks. – Petra

Walda Bolton: Is crocheting little flesh-colored onesies in preparation for Roose/Walda Jr. – Petra

Winterfell Retinue:

Hodor: Hodor. – David

Osha: Was en route to Skagos when the pandemic broke out and has had to hunker down at Last Hearth until further notice. – Petra

Ros: Sex workers continue working in even more hazardous conditions during quarantine with no recompense from the monarchy. What else is new? – David

Rodrik Cassel: Quarantines at Torrhen’s Square due to travel restrictions, and isn’t sure whether to stay put, or brave the virus to return to Winterfell and kick Theon’s ass. – Petra

Jory Cassel: Guards the Stark family closely, and makes sure no one gets within 6 feet of them. – Petra

Maester Luwin: Joins a WhatsApp group for Maesters teaching from home. – Petra

Old Nan: Survived the first sickness 100 years ago, and will not succumb to this one. – David

Septa Mordane: Teaches embroidery classes over Zoom. – Petra

Maester Wolkan: Is too relieved that he is quarantining with the Starks instead of the the Boltons to be worried about anything else. – Petra

King’s Landing Retinue:

Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane: Quarantines at the Quiet Isle digging graves. – Petra

Gregor ‘The Mountain’ Clegane: Didn’t understand that when health experts said to avoid touching your eyes, that also meant avoiding touching other peoples’ eyes as well. Begins to exhibit secondary symptoms. All evidence points to Oberyn. – Petra

Petyr ‘Littlefinger’ Baelish: Little does everyone know that that Littlefinger actually orchestrated the entire pandemic. Chaos is a ladder, pandemics cause chaos, and he is flying high on the top rung. He did warn you not to trust him, after all. – David

Varys: Genuinely struggles to be the Master of Whispers now that all his Little Birds are in quarantine. To compensate, he’s Zooming with Illyrio regularly. – Petra

Partners with Margaery to run a shadowy public health campaign to save the realm. – Akash

Grand Maester Pycelle: Wears his mask below his nose and insists that it makes no difference. – Petra

Bronn: Posts YouTube videos of himself building forts with all the toilet paper he’s hoarded. – Petra

Shae: Quarantines at Chataya’s whorehouse. Teaches its denizens Tyrion’s drinking game and it’s a big hit. – Petra

Maester Qyburn: Is “working” on a “vaccine.” – Petra

The High Sparrow: Had insisted on keeping the Sept of Baelor open; is now exhibiting secondary symptoms. – Petra

Septa Unella: Chants “Shame, Shame” at anyone seen without a mask (from at least six feet away.) – Petra

Meryn Trant: Gets coughed on. – Petra

Janos Slynt: Has his mask stolen by Mhaegen (baby Barra’s mother); is now exhibiting secondary symptoms. – Petra

Dontos Hollard: Reads online that consuming alcohol destroys the virus and has been blackout drunk ever since. – Petra

Stannis Retinue:

Davos Seaworth: Finally, *finally* returns home to quarantine with his wife. Is using the extra time to work on his reading comprehension. – Petra

Matthos Seaworth: Uses this time to document all the ways in which Melisandre is going to change the world. He has finally seen the (lord of) light, and it is vital that everyone else does too. – David

Melisandre: Sees “Corona” in the flames and thinks the Lord of Light is warning her against the beer. – Petra

Sets up a religious conversion apparatus on Zoom. – Akash

Salladhor Saan: Finds piracy to be a lot easier now that everyone he’s stealing from refuses to get within 6 feet of him. – Petra

Daenerys Retinue:

Daario Naharis: Slowly becomes a brunette again; Jon Connington cleared all the stores out of blue dye. – Petra

Grey Worm: Overcomes his initial dismay at not having drills in the morning and has committed to mastering the Common Tongue… and the Westerosi language too, if there’s still time. – Petra

Missandei: Has been inoculated by Naathi butterflies. – Petra

Issues regular pandemic updates and reports to the public. – Akash

Barristan Selmy: Has a hard time rooting out the leader of the Sons of the Harpy while juggling following quarantine protocol. – Petra

Doreah: Has been …eh, quarantining in that vault for a while now. – Petra

Mirri Maz Duur: Spams Khal Drogo with conspiracy theories that Covid is a hoax; meanwhile works ’round the clock at the Lhazareen clinic. – Petra

Illyrio Mopatis: Was completely blindsided by the pandemic. Starts a Google Doc titled “How Covid Can Help Us Get Aegon on the Throne” but hasn’t invited Varys to edit it yet. – Petra

Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Sends Daenerys crates of Purell bottles, hand wipes, and toilet paper with a request that she quarantine with him. When she refuses, he orders a bloody glove off of Amazon and has it delivered to her. – Petra

Pyat Pree: Is currently under the impression that the virus is Euron Greyjoy’s invention and blames himself for teaching him black magic. – Petra

The Spice King: Blames the spread of sickness on outsiders and quadruple-locks the gates of Qarth. – Petra

…gets infected anyway because he didn’t wear a mask. – Akash

Hizdahr zo Loraq: Petitions Daenerys to reopen Daznak’s Pit for fighters and their coaches only. Proposes livestreaming the fights so that fans can watch. – Petra

Arya Retinue:

Jaqen H’Ghar: Can populate a Zoom meeting all by himself. – Petra

Makes a mean profit off of Zoom masks. – Akash

The Waif: Teaches stick fighting on the House of Black and White’s app, FacelessTime™. – Petra

Lommy Greenhands: Washes his hands so many times the green dye comes off. Is now called Lommy Blandhands. – Petra

Hot Pie: Masters baking sourdough bread from scratch. – Petra

Yoren: Starts telling potential recruits for the Night’s Watch that the weather at the Wall is so cold it kills the virus. – Petra

Syrio Forel: Holds off a mob of people demanding haircuts long enough for Arya to escape. He may have caught the disease, he may have returned to Braavos in good health, he may have avoided contracting the virus by swapping out his contaminated Syrio face for his Jaqen face. Everybody has a different theory. – Petra

Lady Crane: Copiously taking notes so she will be ready when the play about this finally comes out. – David

Signs the petitions for Braavos to re-issue the artists relief funds. – Akash

Wildlings:

Mance Rayder: After finally uniting all the clans and tribes of the Free Folk, Mance is having a hell of a time explaining why they now need to split up and self-quarantine. – Petra

Ygritte: Scoffs that only Kneelers quarantine, but agrees to hunker down in a cave with Jon. – Petra

Tormund Giantsbane: Suckling the milk from a giant’s tit keeps him good and strong. His body swarms with natural antibodies. – David

Orell: Is actually really glad to be an eagle now. – Petra

Wun-Wun: Quarantines with Val, per Jon’s instructions. Starts watching American football and becomes a fan of Phil Simms. – Petra

Brotherhood Without Banners:

Beric Dondarrion: Considers killing himself and having Thoros resurrect him after this is all over. – Petra

Thoros of Myr: Remains devoted to the Lord of Light but has returned to his wino habits. Finds it incredibly frustrating that FaceTiming with someone on the other side of the planet is easier than seeing visions in flames. – Petra

Anguy: Runs archery target practice with the gang. Not many know it, but he was brought into the brotherhood to train the others. The harsh winters turned him into a hardened fella, so he rather welcomes the respite and calm. – David

Starts to wonder if it was a mistake not to stay with Lady Stoneheart since she can’t contract the disease and is really good at keeping people 6 feet away. – Petra

The Night’s Watch:

Alliser Thorne: Goes out of his way to lick, cough, and sneeze on everything Jon owns when he doesn’t think Jon’s looking. – Petra

Eddison Tollett: Keeps cracking jokes about how he’s certain he’s got the virus. It stopped being funny weeks ago. – Petra

Grenn: Washes his hands for 20 seconds, wears a mask when he goes outside, and practices social distancing. He knows he has a reputation for being dumb, so he thinks it’s strange how simple and straightforward these rules are when so many people are finding them difficult to follow. – Petra

Pyp: Quarantines with Grenn. His feelings are hurt that Jon has been so emotionally distant since becoming Lord Commander, and even more socially distant since the pandemic broke out. – Petra

Qhorin Halfhand: Commands Jon to sneeze on him in front of virus conspiracy theorists so that Jon may gain their trust and infiltrate their ranks. – Petra

Other Various Characters:

Brienne of Tarth: Has read through the White Book so many times at this point, she’s figured out that she’s descended from Lord Commander Duncan the Tall. – Petra

Podrick Payne: Writes a ballad about the virus to the tune of “Jenny of Oldstones.” – Petra

Craster: Offers Purell bottles alongside the babies he leaves for the White Walkers in exchange for protection from the virus. – Petra

Meera Reed: After dragging Bran around beyond the wall for so long, Meera is quite happy to be quarantined, safe and warm, at Greywater Watch. – Petra

Jojen Reed: Had a green dream months ago of a sea of Corona beer flooding Westeros. He’s really getting annoyed that green dreams only make sense in hindsight. – Petra

Walder Frey: His sons and grandsons circle him and cough on him together. Inexplicably, he remains the very picture of health. – Petra

Yohn Royce: Really can’t stand being quarantined with Sweet Robyn much longer. – Petra

The Three-Eyed Raven: Is glad to see that everything is going according to plan…the plan that he has…the plan that he’s been working on since the time of Dunk and Egg…yeah…that plan. – Petra

Leaf: Teaches paste-making classes over Zoom. Part of her hopes the Children of the Forest get to reclaim Westeros after all this. – Petra

Areo Hotah: Watches. Waits. Gets sick but doesn’t speak up because it is not his place to do so. – David

Tycho Nestoris: Is none too happy that unemployment is skyrocketing and the economy is tanking, because most people aren’t paying their debts to the Iron Bank. He can’t even repossess their belongings due to travel restrictions. – Petra

Harry Strickland: Studies for the CPA exam. Maybe he will finally become the accountant his mother always dreamed of. “Strickland and Associates” does have a nice ring to it. – David

Spends quarantine sitting around and letting his blisters heel. Has over two thousand unread e-mails in his inbox and keeps saying he’ll get around to sorting them. – Petra

The Night King: Decides to stay in the Land of Always Winter until further notice. Travel’s just too risky right now. – Petra

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