Small Council: What would you get the Game of Thrones characters for Christmas?

(Base photo by Victoria Jones/PA Images via Getty Images)

The holidays are here, and lord knows that some of the characters on Game of Thrones could do with some cheer. In this very silly edition of the Small Council, we contemplate what we would get one or more or them for Christmas. Let us know what you would get in the comments!

DAN: When thinking of gifts to give Game of Thrones characters, there are certain things pretty much all of them could use. Tetanus shots, for instance. Or therapy. But if I’m giving one gift to one character, I’d like to give something to Cersei, not because I think she deserves it, but because she needs something to distract her from her other, more destructive hobbies, like arson and murder.

To that end, I’d like to present Cersei with a volume of Sodoku puzzles. This one alone has over 400. The hope is that the complicated-but-not-too-complicated puzzles will engage the left side of her brain and inspire her to turn over some of the decisions regarding governance of the seven kingdoms to people who aren’t quite so quick to burn hundreds of civilians alive in a church fire. And after she’s done with the first book, we get her another, And then another. We could switch it up, too, with crossword puzzles and Where’s Waldo books the like. Anything to keep her from making policy.

And y’know what? Maybe figuring out these brain teasers will give her some perspective. It’s like when you’re trying to solve a problem and hit a block, but then the answer comes to you later in the shower when you’ve stopped thinking about it. Cersei doesn’t have the option of taking a shower, but maybe occupying her mind with something other than revenge will make her realize how fruitless that line of thinking is.

Is it crazy? Or is it just crazy enough to work? Probably the first one.

Merry Christmas, Cersei! Please don’t kill me.

SARAH: I’m wild for buying presents. The more, the better. In the run up to Christmas, numerous secret presents are hidden around my house like landmines. If I had the opportunity to give presents to characters from Game of Thrones, I don’t see how I could stop at one person. The four living Starks are my favorite characters, so I’m going to divide my choices among them.

First up, Arya. As she’s my favorite character, I’d want her to have the best present, so I would formally adopt her so that she could have parents again. I don’t have any enemies for her to kill but she could threaten several people for me, including the rude bus driver from that one time, my weird neighbors who throw their rubbish into other people’s gardens, and the entire customer service department at my phone company. Also, she could have her own room. As for Sansa, I’d buy her a sewing machine, so that she could further her burgeoning career as a fashion mogul.

I’d also get a mobility scooter for Bran. I don’t really need to explain why, and I’m sure he (and Meera) would really appreciate the gift. Those things can be costly, though, so if that idea fell through I would present him with Blu-ray (not DVD—I’m not a philistine) copies of classic Christmas movies Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. That way, the next time Bran is left alone in his house and some inept criminals try to break in, he’ll be armed with a wealth of knowledge and some wacky tricks to fend them off.

Finally, I’d like to present Jon Snow with Game of Thrones Seasons 1 – 6 on Blu-ray. It would be funny because he’d start to doubt his own existence, which would inevitably lead to an existential crisis. Just imagine him running around Winterfell in a panic, shaking Sansa and screaming, “We don’t really exist!” How we’d laugh.

COREY: Where to even begin? First and foremost, I think I would buy everyone in the North some nice baselayers. As a hunter, I can tell you that baselayers are key to staying warm when the temperature begins to drop, and with winter upon us, I’m sure everyone could use them.

Sticking with practical gifts, I think some Xanax or Prozac might be just the thing for our two queens; Cersei and Daenerys. Both of them could use a chill pill. Some serious skin ointments would prove useful for the Hound and Ser Jorah. It might even make the them smile every once in a while.

For Jon Snow, I would purchase a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People. The last time Jon was in charge, things didn’t go well, so maybe the book could help the White Wolf do a better job this time around.

And last but not least, is there such a thing as dragon treats? Or do lambs, goats, and the like work? I would hate to leave out the dragons. People get my pets gifts all the time, so I’d like to do the same for Dany’s little monsters.

KATIE: Since the invention of Bath & Body Works, I’ve treated gift-giving as an impersonal but sublimely scented experience. When in doubt, a prepackaged collection of soap, perfume and lotion always does the trick. And considering the less-than-hygienic medieval times in which Game of Thrones is set, a nice spritz of Japanese cherry blossom could do wonders for the body and soul alike. Not to mention, if I’m shopping for the vast multitudes of Thrones characters, I’d prefer a one-stop shop to eliminate the need for a trek through the outlet malls.

But since I’m not made of money, everyone gets a candle. It’s the thought that counts, and I put far too much thought into this, so without further ado:

• Sansa: The stress relief line’s Eucalyptus Spearmint, which would serve as a balm to her soul while providing a Northern-approved wintry scent.
• Jon: The Winter-scented candle, so he can embrace both the Ice and Fire sides of his lineage.
• Arya: Hot Cocoa and Cream, because our girl needs the warm, comforting aroma of chocolate more than anyone I’ve ever known.
• Bran: Sparkling Woods, so he can replace his nightmarish forest adventures with something more soothing.
• Daenerys: Mango Dragonfruit. She’d either be amused by the poor joke or she’d order her dragons to burn me alive. If it’s the former, I would be relieved; if it’s the latter, I couldn’t blame her.
• Melisandre: Fireside, so she could recall simpler times when non-believers roasted on her open fires. I would include a nice candle pedastel as well, to add to Mel’s token ambiance.
• Yara: The seasonal Flannel, in keeping with stereotypes about non-straight women. I myself own a rather disproportionate amount of flannel. She and I have that much in common, although she indulges her sexual appetites while mine remain nonexistent.
• Tyrion: Hot Buttered Rum, for obvious reasons.
• Cersei: Raspberry Lime Margarita. See above.
• Olenna Tyrell: Winter Rose, because winter is here and she’s a rose. Judging by her disdain for her family sigil, I’m sure I would be dutifully scorned. Incidentally, a dressing-down from Olenna Tyrell would by my Christmas present to myself.
• Petyr Baelish: Gingerbread Latte, because once I smelled it, I regretted every decision I’d ever made that led me to that point. I can only hope that Littlefinger comes to detest his past indiscretions as much.

“Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful…”

RAZOR: I’ve been looking forward to this silly topic for a while now. Christmas is my favorite time of year, and I love to give thoughtful gifts to all my friends and family. I hate filler gifts—no one really likes to get socks and underwear for Christmas, so in that spirit, I’m going to thoughtfully spread some holiday cheer to a couple of my favorite Game of Thrones characters.

• Sam: A Valyrian steel Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle that fires Valyrian steel BB’s. This way, Sam doesn’t have to get up close and personal when the White Walkers come calling. The only problem here is he might shoot his eye out.
• Davos: A lifetime supply of disposable wet wipes, for when he takes those long walks the night before a battle and “sh*ts [his] guts out.” Now Ser Davos can feel fresh and clean on the battlefield.
• Tormund: A subscription to the very popular Sour Goat’s Milk of the Month Club.
• Ghost: A new agent. Seriously, we never see him anymore. Talk about starving actors, have you seen how much a full-grown direwolf eats? Can a canine get some more screentime?
• Dany: Fire retardant clothes for the next time she wants to burn down a building full of jerks—that way she won’t be naked in front of her new subjects. I mean, that could get very embarrassing if she plans on doing this more than once…or twice, actually.
• Jon: I was going to get him a new cloak, but Sansa bogarted my idea!
• Arya: A nice satchel, or a bag with lots of pockets and dividers, in which hide all of her many faces. That way they don’t get damaged when not in use.
• Baby Sam: Growth hormones.

Via http://winteriscoming.net/2016/12/23/small-council-like-get-game-thrones-characters-christmas/