Thursday, May 23, 2019

The Final Tweetdown – Part 2

(10) Courtesy of HBO

Burn it ALL down, people, Twitter was EN FUEGO!

Dis Twit Post.

Part 2. You knew it. Don’t fake like you didn’t.

So where were we?

Ah, yes…

So a wild Drogon showed up…

And let me just say: SHIT was TENSE.

HOLY DUCK YES!!

(…and please do not use the Duck’s name in vain. Young lady, you of all people know better than that.)

lol come on now they’re cats you will be lucky if they dance on your corpse before devouring it.

If it’s angled up through the heart and then pierces the lower portion of the trachea…

Drogon legit was inconsolable.

HE BURNED THAT MOTHER DOWN.

After gently cupping her limp, dead frame in his dew claw, Drogon flew off with Danaerys Targaryen…

…Don’t think I didn’t BRIEFLY consider that, what with all the time we has left.

But um… Jon was left by himself!

Alas. Jon, why so honest?!

So we Fade to black…

….it was… a bit of a long fade…

………..We faded BACK IN on a more hirsute version of Tyrion. He was taken from his cell by Grey Worm.

…and WHOA.

TIME HAD SUDDENLY PASSED.

EVERYONE WHO WAS ANYONE WAS IN THE DRAGONPIT!

(Yeah, I typed that all in caps in my notes, I was freaking out a little bit.)

Honestly though, Sweetrobin Arryn got the most run here:

But Robin wasn’t the only one with new swag.

I loooooved those braids.

So Yara started barkin’…

Tyrion gets to speak a lot for a prisoner, huh.

Lannister captives talk so much…!

Edmure Tully spoke up! For himself! All Hail His Grace King Edmu—

It’s usually me!

I full on belly-laughed.

So then Sam did this silly thing and basically brought up the possibility of… actual democracy??

He did! So then Tyrion spoke… again…

Hey, the victor gets to write the history.

“Bran the Broken” is so named!

Y’all weren’t the ONLY ones taking issue with this. Grey Worm was NOT HAPPY.

But his leverage was sadly lacking.

….always.

And then Sansa has her say!

No, not that one!

“The North will remain an independent kingdom, as it was for thousands of years.”

Yes, yes, I love Sansa too. But long story short: We were definitely getting TWO Stark monarchs.

Dude is an Elite-level troll.

YES YES FINE BUT NO ONE HERE CARES ABOUT GIRL STORIES.

(Which is why Sansa seceded so damn quickly.)

ALL HAIL BRAN THE BROKEN!

Aside: Do y’all get the feeling that every time they overstate something, it ends up not being true?

The crypts are safe!
The bells mean surrender!
Bran is Broken!

…. is he?

Wheeled Throne.

So Tyrion was made to be Hand of the King once again….

I guess being rewarded with a sweet position is punishment?? idk???

But Grey Worm was still not happy.

Alas for him, the council was ended.

So Tyrion then went to drag Jon out of his makeshift cell…

AYYY GUESS WHO’S RETURNING TO THE NIGHT’S WATCH, BOYO??

“Was it right? What I did?”

“What we did.”

“It doesn’t feel right.”

“Ask me again in ten years.”

So the Lovely Jono leaves the Red Keep, escorted by two Nights Watchmen.

He passes a ship, and near its prow stands his old pal Grey Worm.

They don’t share the friendliest of looks.

QUEEN SANSA, KING BRAN, and ARYA freaking STARK are there at the docks to see Jon off…

“You were exactly where you were supposed to be.”

Jon didn’t look so sure. He left.

End of an era.

Time passed…

(Pretty sure.)

We faded back in on Ser Brienne, LORD FREAKING COMMANDER of the KINGSGUARD, finishing Jaime Lannister’s entry in the white book.

I THOUGHT THE SAME THING!!

And yo… THOSE WHITE BOOK MEMES KEPT COMING.

And many, and more.

Time had definitely passed. We caught back up with Tyrion…

Well, we caught him at an awkward time, because he’s back to ARRANGING CHAIRS.

And then whaddya know…

BRONN…. SAM… DAVOS…

All are on the freaking SMOL COUNCIL!?!

Oh, my sweet summer child…

It’s not what you know. It’s who you know.

This is so ridiculously real it hurts my ‘murican soul.

“A Song of Ice and Fire.”

So King Bran is wheeled in…

Sort of!

And we then got re-introduced to….

I guess he can take an oath of chastity. Short of Barry White, singing to girls ain’t never fathered no sons.

“So I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel…”

That amuses me to no end.

STILL LATER, AT THE WALL…

I mean..

Yeah. Basically.

BUT NO! JON IS NOT DESTINED FOR THE LAND OF FOREVER-GLUM! HEARK!

IT’S A TORMUND!

Tormund don’t need no big woman. He has Jon!

And so here, at the end of it all, we have:

Bran:

Sansa:

Arya:

And Jon.

Definitely lonely, but I also kind of saw it as a metaphor for growing up, really.

And I liked that.

There is Ghost.

Floofs were had.

Well, that IS the rumor.

(That said, his FIRST goodbye to Ghost this season felt SO purposefully wrong, I can’t help but think they set it up this way.)

(….But I still love that rumor.)

HATER.

So Ghost, Jon, and Tormund leave, heading north of the Wall… followed by a ton of Wildlings.

The End.

…But is it??

WHY NO. And yet… it must be, for there is DOUBT in the hearts of some of my beloved colleagues—doubt that interest in a THIRD Twitter post can sustain within the collective attention spans of our gentle readers! The high halls whisper that 3-part Twitter posts might considered excessive, and I must grimly confirm that they are NO LONGER allowable! On pain of wedgie! (Or perhaps a grim side-eye.)

(In their defense, I can be long-winded..)

THAT SAID… It just so happens that I have a THIR—uh—an EXTRA Twitter post. My FERVENT HOPE is that this strange and wonderful post (chock full o’ after-episode thoughts, after-series musings, and book-to-show speculation) will be published next week, when we’re all miserable and starving for content. Or the following week, when all the Curtain Calls have dried up!

If you are DYING to see this thir–EXTRA Twitter post (fondly nicknamed “Fiona”) why, all you have to do is close your eyes, breathe deeply, and let your inner magic—your sweet strength of spirit, your glorious mana to—

Wait, no, that won’t work. Instead do this:

Get on Twitter RIGHT NOW (or preferably at 4 in the morning EST) and spam #FreeFiona at @WatchersOTWall; if you’re feeling DANGEROUS or GLIB, add @SueTheFury to that lovely tweet… and if you’re feeling EXTRA frisky and want some of that Southern candy, add sweet ol’ @OzofThrones to it too.)

(What fun shall be had by all!)

(….They’re gonna KILL me.)

See you then…. or um.

Or never.

(LOL JUST KIDDING I’LL SEE YOU ALL ON TWITTER. BYEEEEEE.)

#FreeFiona

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